Survivorhood Story #10

Trigger Warning: Sexual Assault, Rape, Alcohol, HIV, Police



A week ago I was raped in my own bedroom. I was drunk and I was half passed out, but I remember nearly everything. He knew I was too drunk to think clearly, he even shook me awake once to ask if I was on birth control. He followed me when I went to go to my room to lie down, and almost immediately started kissing me and taking my clothes off. He wanted to have sex so he did, even though he couldn’t find condoms in my room. I couldn’t say no, I couldn’t fight back, I couldn’t speak, I couldn’t stay awake or move my arms to push him. He said that people thought I was a whore, and that it was true because I’d let him get to me only a week after meeting me. He told me I’d better get an abortion, and left me lying there. My phone had ended up under the bed and I sort of crawled over to get it when I woke up again. I still was having trouble speaking so I went down my list of contacts of trusted people in the city until somebody picked up and I told them to call the police. The police got there later and took me to the hospital, I saw in their notes that they thought I had tried to commit suicide since my voice was so choked. I read that on the monitor from the back of the patrol car, because there was no better way for them to take me. I don’t remember getting to the hospital, I don’t remember the police leaving. I do remember that suddenly it was two in the morning (the assault had happened at 9:30). I did the kit, I did the tests, I took the drugs they gave me, I did the blood work. The hospital told me that the HIV pep would feel like chemo, and that it would only be a month. This week the pep has made me miss most of my classes, and I can’t really stay awake long or eat any food without feeling sick. I’m alone most of the time, and my main occupation has been coming up with excuses for why I haven’t gotten any school work done. The police said that I have no case. They said I led him on. They said any decent court would tear my story apart. They told me I wouldn’t stand a chance against somebody who thinks he had consentuall sex. They told me “you seem like a bright girl, you know this case won’t go anywhere, and even if it did, he’d spend a maximum of two years in jail and then be free, but it won’t change anything. You’re still always going to be a rape victim.”. They told me I asked for it. They told me “we only send strong women into this system, and you don’t seem like a strong person”. They said it was just honesty, that they wouldn’t sugar coat it. I’m both terrified and numb at the same time. I’m going to spend my 20th birthday on HIV pep. I’m spending my week desperately hoping that I don’t get pregnant and that the hospital was wrong that they said that the timing made me at high risk for it. I’m going to have to wait three weeks to get an appointment with the crisis centre. I don’t know how else to deal with this, it feels like nobody will believe me


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