Category: Anxiety

Survivorhood Story #7

Trigger warning: Rape, High school, Anxiety, Depression, Attempted Suicide, PTSD, Self Harming

 

I imagined loosing my virginity with someone I was dating, someone I loved. I imagined it being so magical and romantic and us kissing and cuddling afterwards. I didn’t think I would loose it with someone who was my best friend, someone I trusted. It was when I was in grade nine and there was my best friend someone who I occasionally fooled around with (just kissing nothing else). I went over to his house and we started making out, and he started to feel me up and I told him to stop, he told me it was alright and that I should trust him and that he loved me. So I did trust him, because I thought letting him do what he wants would let him love me back… I trusted my best friend, a guy who told me he loved me. He then pushed me against his bed and told me its alright and that it won’t hurt. I started to panic, threatening to scream so his mom would hear. He then got up and started getting dressed and told me to get out, so I did as I was told since I was confused because was I still a virgin? am I a slut? was it my fault that I let him do that to me? did I turn him on too much to the point where he couldn’t go back? I knew that it was all my fault, so I headed home and called him later to apologize… no one picked up. I texted him for weeks and tried getting a hold of him… he never answered me. He got what he wanted, why would he answer? But I knew at the time it was all my fault for turning him on like that and not giving him all of it and it was my fault for giving him ‘blue balls’.  The second time I was raped was also my best friend in grade 10, we were in my basement laughing about an inside joke. Next thing I knew he was pushing me against the couch saying I enjoyed what he was doing to me and pressing his body against my face and forcing my mouth open to the point where the corners of my mouth bled. He pushed my legs apart where I woke up with bruises along my thighs. He was my bestfriend… why would my bestfriend someone who I learned to trust and tell my secrets too do that to me? I told him to stop, I was screaming at the top of my lungs. Next thing I know my mom comes in the front door and he yells at me to get dressed. And he left shortly after telling me not to tell anyone what we did. After the second time, I knew I was a slut and that I had nothing to loose, and that if I ever wanted a man to love me truly I would have to sleep with them. I would have to pleasure them sexually because I thought that was the only way. For my whole high school career, my depression and aniexty got worse and I blamed everything on myself because I felt that everything was my fault. I eventually self harmed, because I felt worthless and that I could never achieve anything in life. Until the third time I was raped, which was on a s-trip in Dominican when I was in grade 12. I walked out of my room drunk and saw a cute boy walking by who let himself into my room and pushed me against the bed and when I tried to get up multiple times he would not let me. Why would he not let me get up? Then he punched my stomach which made me blackout. I woke up with him getting dressed and he kissed my cheek thanking me for the wonderful time. I yelled at him to get out, because I was afraid. I knew it happened again to me. I instantly went next door to my friend’s room and told them about the incident and they told me it was probably my fault because ‘I love having sex, and have a lot of it’. So I instantly blamed it on myself because I forced myself to believe that I am a slut, and that everything that has happened to me was my fault

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Story of Survivorhood #5

Trigger Warning: Sexual Assault, Abuse, Anxiety, Depression, Eating Disorder

Just when you think you know everything about a person, is when you should open the eyes in the back of your head watching everything they do behind you, because it only takes one time for something to ruin your life and hurt you. It was the eleventh grade, a European exchange came into my high school to learn and study. Being that he spoke my dialect, and I was the only one in the school who could also speak it, I was stuck with him. The guidance counsellor told me I’d get an extra 2% on any class that I chose if I translated his classes for him. Being that I was struggling in Biology, it was my only choice. He seemed nice at first, quiet, shy, not sure of his surroundings. But the way I see it, it was just the beginning of hell, and I had the opportunity to run, but I had no idea. Why did he come here? What happened that he had to stay here? He was on probation, and some twisted way ended up here from his country. He did something, I didn’t know until after he left. Not sure what he did, but I am sure it was something as wrongful as he did to me. He seemed like the perfect guy, until he became twisted and egocentric. He manipulated me at my lowest point, he made me feel so insecure of myself by controlling me. I felt like I was a piece of property. We had gone fishing, I had to argue with my mother to let me go. He made me sit there, he wouldn’t let me touch the rod. He would control me without me even knowing. I wish I could go back in time and tell myself what I know now. The stupidest thing happened, I had talked to his cousin’s girlfriend about something that happened in their family, it wasn’t even anything relevant to anything. He turned angry,he made me feel like my life didn’t matter. The way he treated me was unbearable. The silence at school, the way he spoke of me to others, and hearing it was ten times worse. He played me for a fool, and while he had his pride, I fell sick. I actually cared deeply for him since we had a bond that nobody else had due to the language barrier. I developed terrible anxiety, at one point I had to take an Adavan to stop me from crying and it made me feel number than I already was. My throat began to drip, it was around April of 2012, and I started to get sinus for the first time. I felt like my throat was closing in on me, as depressed as I felt, I thought it was the end. I couldn’t swallow. It would take me half of a glass of water to get a tiny piece of deli-ham down my throat. Nobody understood how depressed I truly felt. I stopped eating. All I could get down was soup, and that is what I had everyday, and ultimately it helped me stay alive. I felt some warmth in that way in my cold fragile body. I lost seventeen pounds in two and a half months. I had been classified as having an eating disorder, with anxiety attacks coming left and right. I didn’t understand what was happening. I would go everyday on my lunch and talk to the guidance counsellor. I would sit in her office and cry. I had no control over my emotions. One day, I gained the courage to talk to him, and he shut me down in front of everyone. I cried, and he didn’t care. Then one day, he suddenly did “care”. I personally think now that he was just lonely, and needed someone. I took him back with open arms, hoping that this would be what I needed to take my depression and anxiety away. It didn’t. He continued to manipulate me, he would get upset when I didn’t want to make-out with him. He would tell me to go home, but then I gave in. I didn’t want to go, I needed him at the time to make me feel better and heal the empty hole in my heart. He was going home, back to his country. He manipulated me into doing something I did not want to do or feel comfortable with. He pressured me until I gave in. He would get so angry when I’d say no. He knew he had the leverage and upper hand over me, he knew he would get his way. He seen the pain in my eyes, it was the same pain he gave me that ruined my life. He forced me to do something I did not want to do, something I never did with anyone. He did that in a stone shed. I was against a cement block as he thrusted at me in pain. I stood there in silence as I felt my dignity being ripped out of me. The pain I felt was horrendous, he didn’t care. I told him to stop, he didn’t. I’ll never forget the day. August 29th. When he left, I went to go see him to say goodbye. He told me he and his family were going for dinner and I had to go home. Meaning, I had to call my father, the one who just dropped me off after I cried, begged and pleaded for him to take me. My dad picked me up, took me along the lake, and broke his steering wheel. He was furious. When senior year started, I felt his friends staring at me, as if they knew something. It was the hardest time of my life, I felt so empty and alone, like nobody knew what I was going through besides a few close friends and my guidance counsellor. I wouldn’t be here today if it weren’t for them. When you are in a relationship, and that other person does not respect you, makes you feel insecure, disgusting, worthless, and your family and friends are warning you. You should listen. Because what I went through is something I wouldn’t wish on my own enemy. Through Jesus Christ, through believing, through praying, four years later, I am whole again. I found someone who treated me the way I deserve to be treated, the way I want to be treated, I am not pressured whatsoever. I am free, I am happy, I am a believer of Jesus. Through Christ anything is possible and depression can be defeated. When you’re feeling low, remember you have those around you that care and can listen and you can talk to. Don’t be afraid. No, they won’t understand, but they can relate