Category: Eating Disorder

Story of Survivorhood #5

Trigger Warning: Sexual Assault, Abuse, Anxiety, Depression, Eating Disorder

Just when you think you know everything about a person, is when you should open the eyes in the back of your head watching everything they do behind you, because it only takes one time for something to ruin your life and hurt you. It was the eleventh grade, a European exchange came into my high school to learn and study. Being that he spoke my dialect, and I was the only one in the school who could also speak it, I was stuck with him. The guidance counsellor told me I’d get an extra 2% on any class that I chose if I translated his classes for him. Being that I was struggling in Biology, it was my only choice. He seemed nice at first, quiet, shy, not sure of his surroundings. But the way I see it, it was just the beginning of hell, and I had the opportunity to run, but I had no idea. Why did he come here? What happened that he had to stay here? He was on probation, and some twisted way ended up here from his country. He did something, I didn’t know until after he left. Not sure what he did, but I am sure it was something as wrongful as he did to me. He seemed like the perfect guy, until he became twisted and egocentric. He manipulated me at my lowest point, he made me feel so insecure of myself by controlling me. I felt like I was a piece of property. We had gone fishing, I had to argue with my mother to let me go. He made me sit there, he wouldn’t let me touch the rod. He would control me without me even knowing. I wish I could go back in time and tell myself what I know now. The stupidest thing happened, I had talked to his cousin’s girlfriend about something that happened in their family, it wasn’t even anything relevant to anything. He turned angry,he made me feel like my life didn’t matter. The way he treated me was unbearable. The silence at school, the way he spoke of me to others, and hearing it was ten times worse. He played me for a fool, and while he had his pride, I fell sick. I actually cared deeply for him since we had a bond that nobody else had due to the language barrier. I developed terrible anxiety, at one point I had to take an Adavan to stop me from crying and it made me feel number than I already was. My throat began to drip, it was around April of 2012, and I started to get sinus for the first time. I felt like my throat was closing in on me, as depressed as I felt, I thought it was the end. I couldn’t swallow. It would take me half of a glass of water to get a tiny piece of deli-ham down my throat. Nobody understood how depressed I truly felt. I stopped eating. All I could get down was soup, and that is what I had everyday, and ultimately it helped me stay alive. I felt some warmth in that way in my cold fragile body. I lost seventeen pounds in two and a half months. I had been classified as having an eating disorder, with anxiety attacks coming left and right. I didn’t understand what was happening. I would go everyday on my lunch and talk to the guidance counsellor. I would sit in her office and cry. I had no control over my emotions. One day, I gained the courage to talk to him, and he shut me down in front of everyone. I cried, and he didn’t care. Then one day, he suddenly did “care”. I personally think now that he was just lonely, and needed someone. I took him back with open arms, hoping that this would be what I needed to take my depression and anxiety away. It didn’t. He continued to manipulate me, he would get upset when I didn’t want to make-out with him. He would tell me to go home, but then I gave in. I didn’t want to go, I needed him at the time to make me feel better and heal the empty hole in my heart. He was going home, back to his country. He manipulated me into doing something I did not want to do or feel comfortable with. He pressured me until I gave in. He would get so angry when I’d say no. He knew he had the leverage and upper hand over me, he knew he would get his way. He seen the pain in my eyes, it was the same pain he gave me that ruined my life. He forced me to do something I did not want to do, something I never did with anyone. He did that in a stone shed. I was against a cement block as he thrusted at me in pain. I stood there in silence as I felt my dignity being ripped out of me. The pain I felt was horrendous, he didn’t care. I told him to stop, he didn’t. I’ll never forget the day. August 29th. When he left, I went to go see him to say goodbye. He told me he and his family were going for dinner and I had to go home. Meaning, I had to call my father, the one who just dropped me off after I cried, begged and pleaded for him to take me. My dad picked me up, took me along the lake, and broke his steering wheel. He was furious. When senior year started, I felt his friends staring at me, as if they knew something. It was the hardest time of my life, I felt so empty and alone, like nobody knew what I was going through besides a few close friends and my guidance counsellor. I wouldn’t be here today if it weren’t for them. When you are in a relationship, and that other person does not respect you, makes you feel insecure, disgusting, worthless, and your family and friends are warning you. You should listen. Because what I went through is something I wouldn’t wish on my own enemy. Through Jesus Christ, through believing, through praying, four years later, I am whole again. I found someone who treated me the way I deserve to be treated, the way I want to be treated, I am not pressured whatsoever. I am free, I am happy, I am a believer of Jesus. Through Christ anything is possible and depression can be defeated. When you’re feeling low, remember you have those around you that care and can listen and you can talk to. Don’t be afraid. No, they won’t understand, but they can relate

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